Emotional Rambling

Dare I write what I'm thinking? I have one eye closed at the moment as I try and type a few coherent sentences because of this bloody conjunctivitis and I think it'd time for the boys round...
There are a couple of men in my life -  to say the least - and I care about them all in different ways. My mother says that friendship between men and women is hardly obtainable because men only want one thing... and its the ugly truth.
I was thinking about it the other day, men promise love and that makes women happy, where as we promise sex and that makes men happy. Take one away and there are issues. Obviously. But taking away 'love' is seen as the greater evil, for how can love just disappear? Whereas depriving your partner of sex, it's almost a right, though it does indicate deeper problems within the relationship. But I'm getting sidetracked down a path I don't think I'm ready to ramble...
So men. I have D., J., R., G., M. and C. and I don't even know if it's fair to write about them. I'm not going to be honest, I'm going to embellish, exaggerate, use hyperbole and all that jazz, (lie?) so that even you have difficulty working out who is who. ('You' being my friends, the only people to rummage through my ramblings).
The first of these male acquaintances is M. M who I have known since we were oh so young and innocent. He is your quintessetial good-looking, funny, sporty, academic. Yes such beings do exist. He is, to quote Mary Poppins, 'practically perfect in every way.' Except for being a flirt. And not in the sleazy kinda way, I know far too many of those, but he's the kind of guy that you feel safe with because you have his attention, even if it is fleetingly. Except now he's fallen hard under the spell of love. And I couldn't be more happy for him. And for her. Though they took their bloody time getting together!
Secondly there is C. Actually there are two C's and I'm going to combine their personalities because I can't fathom either of them so I may as well make it as complicated as possible! C is confident. No, that sounds wrong. C knows himself, self-aware maybe. He feels more than I thought it was possible for the male species to feel, but that's just my cynicism seeping through. C is a laugh, someone to have fun with, someone you can talk to but at the same time is your stereotypical bloke who wants you for what you can offer. Sex. I notice the contradictions and yes it is the clash of personalities for these two different men, but they do have one thing in common. Me. They want to possess me. Wow, could I come across as more arrogant? And that is reason enough to know that there is no point in going there. Not with C. Not with someone who wants me. Gotta be something wrong with C. Even though I care about C. Confused? Yep. Me too.
Now to J. J is amazing. The best of friends. I care about him immensely. If I'm upset at 3am who can I turn to? If I'm lost who do I call? (Ok other than R. as in girl R.) If I just need to get away and watch crap films where do I go? J is always there when I need him. He reminds me of Miss H. Ha I remember vaguely trying to set them up, before they'd even met. But J is shy. In fact I don't even know how I got to know him so well. We just click. I don't know what I'd do without him and I know that's a crappy cliché but it's true. Though don't get me wrong, I love him too pieces, but only as a friend. I couldn't go there in any other way. He needs someone who completely depends upon him and I'm not like that. Someone who only thinks about him, and I'm definitely not like that... So here I think I have my mother stumped.
As I do with G. Legend. My brother from another mother. I don't even know what there is to say about him but I can't write about the men in my life without including him! We have similar points of view on life, and we both hate missing out on anything that is going on. We are the first to say yes to a proposed night out. And the last to do any work. Legend. Can't say anymore.
Now we get to D. Words cannot describe. A player though he hates to admit it. Insecure, yes. Yet comes across as arrogant. He's an army boy, one of the lads, such a tease and has this annoying ability to read body language. But even with his outgoing personality he hates being seen as a player. Hates it. I'll never forget him telling me that he found that girls always liked him but he had to make more of an effort with guys. I laughed and said I had the same problem - well, not to the same extent - just guys always like me and the girlfriends hate me(!) D has been there to listen to all my problems with every guy that has waltzed into my life, and has made me realise that there are worse things in the world. Yet it's because of guys like D that I ruined the relationship I had with R.
R. The only person I have ever loved. And I ended it. I'm not with him and I pushed him away. Or rather forced him to choose between his girlfriend who he loves and me, the stalkerish ex-girlfriend. I don't blame him at all. And I'm not even sure if I want him back. At least not in that way. I just want him back in my life. He was my best friend. He knew everything about me. I was safe with him. Happy with him. In love with him. Why on earth did I end it? Oh, because I got bored. Eurgh. And because the prospect of staying with him was far too daunting. I got scared. I'm kinda pathetic. And now he's not in my life. I don't have a hold on him the way he still has one on me. And I hate it. I hate wanting people. I hate it. I feel so vulnerable and I'm not like that. I hate how he makes me feel. But then I remember how we were when we were together. And I can't let go. Not yet. I haven't had a relationship since him. And we broke up two years ago. And a month. Wow.
I'm not going to carry on about him because I could be here all day and I still haven't hoovered my room. But these are the men in my life. They have given me everything I could ask for, even if I threw it back in their faces. But maybe they've failed me as I haven't turned out to be kind or caring, but rather self-obsessed and vain... Yet they've stuck with me this far, well, just about. I care about all of them, differently, yet not so, because I feel their pain, I know their secrets, I don't like it when I can't get a hold of them. It saddens me to think that our relationships are only based on what we subconsciously think we can get from the other side. I know that isn't true. Or at least I can't believe it's true.
Ciao Bellas. Xx